Guardian Angel Protection Services

Guardian Angel Protection Services

The woman in the mall was distracted by her crying child. While Miguel acted as a lookout, Pedro snatched the purse. They rushed around a corner and into a public restroom. Within the privacy of a stall, they rifled though the victim’s purse, removed her credit cards, fifty dollars cash and a set of keys. They flushed the toilet, nonchalantly walked out of the restroom, passed the woman with the screaming child and strolled out to the parking lot.

Pedro said, “Hey, look at this key chain.” The ring held car keys, house keys, and a figure of a golden angel holding a flaming sword and brass shield. The words “Protected by Guardian Angel” were embossed on the shield. The backside of the angel was labeled “Guardian Angel Protection Service.”

Miguel said, “I never heard of any Guardian Angel Protection Service.  The woman must be some kind of religious nut.”

“Yea, I bet we could find her car real easy. It’s a Chevy with a cross hanging from the rearview mirror.”

They were astounded by their next stroke of good luck. The driver’s side window of the red Malibu had a decal to match the “Guardian Angel” key ring. Within seconds, Pedro was in the driver’s seat, with the key in the ignition.

A female robotic voice said, “Please say a command.”

Pedro asked, “What’s this?”

“Oh, I understand you are a first time user of the Guardian Angel Protection Services. Welcome. For Spanish, say ‘Espanol,’ for French, say ‘Francois,’ for Pig Latin, say, ‘Igpay Atinlay.”

Pedro said, “English.”

Miguel shouted, “I see a mall security guard. We need get out of here!” The car doors unlocked and the doors opened.

“You may now exit the vehicle.” The car thieves slammed the doors closed.

Miguel said “Start this…”

“Please fasten your seat belts. Guardian Angel will not start the car until the driver and passenger seat-belts are securely fastened.”

Pedro said, “Seat-belts are for sissies.”

Miguel said, “Stop arguing, idiot. We need to get going.” When the cousins fastened their seat-belts, the car engine started.

Pedro said, “Man, this is weird.” Pedro pulled on the transmission lever, and then yanked. The transmission remained in Park. “Now what?”

“Please state your destination. For example, ‘Home’ or ‘grocery store.’ Go ahead, try it.”

Pedro said, “Tony’s Chop Shop.” Pedro was anxious to be rid of this weird machine. Let the auto dismantler deal with it.

“I have searched your local area for Tony’s Chop Shop and found no exact matches. Do you mean Tony’s Butcher Shop, Anthony’s American Chopper Motorcycle Sales, or Tony’s Ax Sharpening Services?”

Miguel said, “He means Tony’s Auto Wrecking Yard.”

“I have located Tony’s Auto Wrecking Yard on 25500 Coloma Road. Is this correct? Please say yes or no.”

“Yes” they both said.

“Directions to Tony’s Auto Wrecking Yard have been downloaded to your vehicle. Your destination is ten point five miles and fifteen minutes away. You may now proceed.”

As Pedro was backing out, he said, “It’s about time.”

“The time is eleven fifty-five AM, Pacific Daylight Time.” Ignoring the annoying robotic voice, Pedro entered the freeway onramp and floored the gas pedal.  The Malibu smoothly accelerated to sixty-five miles per hour.

“The posted speed limit is sixty-five miles per hour. Guardian Angel will not allow this speed to be exceeded.”

Miguel said, “This is nuts. I need a cigarette.” When he lit the cigarette, all four windows opened, allowing hot summer air to rush through the vehicle.

“Second hand smoke is dangerous to other passengers. The windows will close when the cigarette is extinguished.”

The thieves cursed and yelled and banged on the dashboard.

“Guardian Angel has detected anger in the driver. To prevent a road rage incident, the Automatic Driving Program has been activated. You are no longer in control. The ADS will remain activated until you have reached your destination or your anger has subsided.”

Pedro swung the steering wheel back and forth, and pressed on the brakes and the gas, all with zero affect. The Malibu continued on the freeway until it reached the Coloma Road exit. It slowed to a stop and turned right onto Coloma Road.

“Your destination is approaching on the right. The police are awaiting your arrival. Your seat-belts will be disengaged when the vehicle has come to a complete stop and your hands are on the dashboard. Please have a nice day and thank you for using Guardian Angels Protection Services.”