Guardian Angel Protection Services
The
woman in the mall was distracted by her crying child. While Miguel acted as a
lookout, Pedro snatched the purse. They rushed around a corner and into a
public restroom. Within the privacy of a stall, they rifled though the victim’s
purse, removed her credit cards, fifty dollars cash and a set of keys. They
flushed the toilet, nonchalantly walked out of the restroom, passed the woman with
the screaming child and strolled out to the parking lot.
Pedro
said, “Hey, look at this key chain.” The ring held car keys, house keys, and a
figure of a golden angel holding a flaming sword and brass shield. The words
“Protected by Guardian Angel” were embossed on the shield. The backside of the
angel was labeled “Guardian Angel Protection Service.”
Miguel said,
“I never heard of any Guardian Angel Protection Service. The woman must be some kind of religious nut.”
“Yea, I
bet we could find her car real easy. It’s a Chevy with a cross hanging from the
rearview mirror.”
They were
astounded by their next stroke of good luck. The driver’s side window of the red
Malibu had a decal to match the “Guardian Angel” key ring. Within seconds, Pedro
was in the driver’s seat, with the key in the ignition.
A female
robotic voice said, “Please say a command.”
Pedro
asked, “What’s this?”
“Oh, I understand
you are a first time user of the Guardian Angel Protection Services. Welcome.
For Spanish, say ‘Espanol,’ for French, say ‘Francois,’ for Pig Latin, say, ‘Igpay
Atinlay.”
Pedro
said, “English.”
Miguel shouted,
“I see a mall security guard. We need get out of here!” The car doors unlocked
and the doors opened.
“You may
now exit the vehicle.” The car thieves slammed the doors closed.
Miguel
said “Start this…”
“Please
fasten your seat belts. Guardian Angel will not start the car until the driver
and passenger seat-belts are securely fastened.”
Pedro
said, “Seat-belts are for sissies.”
Miguel
said, “Stop arguing, idiot. We need to get going.” When the cousins fastened
their seat-belts, the car engine started.
Pedro
said, “Man, this is weird.” Pedro pulled on the transmission lever, and then
yanked. The transmission remained in Park. “Now what?”
“Please
state your destination. For example, ‘Home’ or ‘grocery store.’ Go ahead, try
it.”
Pedro
said, “Tony’s Chop Shop.” Pedro was anxious to be rid of this weird machine.
Let the auto dismantler deal with it.
“I have
searched your local area for Tony’s Chop Shop and found no exact matches. Do
you mean Tony’s Butcher Shop, Anthony’s American Chopper Motorcycle Sales, or
Tony’s Ax Sharpening Services?”
Miguel
said, “He means Tony’s Auto Wrecking Yard.”
“I have
located Tony’s Auto Wrecking Yard on 25500 Coloma Road. Is this correct? Please
say yes or no.”
“Yes”
they both said.
“Directions
to Tony’s Auto Wrecking Yard have been downloaded to your vehicle. Your
destination is ten point five miles and fifteen minutes away. You may now
proceed.”
As Pedro
was backing out, he said, “It’s about time.”
“The
time is eleven fifty-five AM, Pacific Daylight Time.” Ignoring the annoying
robotic voice, Pedro entered the freeway onramp and floored the gas pedal. The Malibu smoothly accelerated to sixty-five
miles per hour.
“The
posted speed limit is sixty-five miles per hour. Guardian Angel will not allow
this speed to be exceeded.”
Miguel
said, “This is nuts. I need a cigarette.” When he lit the cigarette, all four
windows opened, allowing hot summer air to rush through the vehicle.
“Second
hand smoke is dangerous to other passengers. The windows will close when the
cigarette is extinguished.”
The
thieves cursed and yelled and banged on the dashboard.
“Guardian
Angel has detected anger in the driver. To prevent a road rage incident, the Automatic
Driving Program has been activated. You are no longer in control. The ADS will
remain activated until you have reached your destination or your anger has
subsided.”
Pedro
swung the steering wheel back and forth, and pressed on the brakes and the gas,
all with zero affect. The Malibu continued on the freeway until it reached the
Coloma Road exit. It slowed to a stop and turned right onto Coloma Road.
“Your
destination is approaching on the right. The police are awaiting your arrival. Your seat-belts will be disengaged when the vehicle has come to a complete stop and your
hands are on the dashboard. Please have a nice day and thank you for using
Guardian Angels Protection Services.”
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