How to Drive Like a Man

How to Drive Like a Man

Men are not allowed to ask for directions. I don’t know why, but that is just the way it is. That’s why it took Moses forty years to get to the Promised Land. He didn’t stop and ask for directions. So the first rule is to “Know your Directions.” This is easy to do in coastal California if you remember that the ocean is to the west of California. If the ocean is on your left, you are traveling north. If you forget where the ocean is, look for the “101 North” signs to properly orient you. This is important to remember when you are traveling between Los Angeles and Santa Barbara. Otherwise, you may think you are heading in a west ward direction.

I tend to get lost in the city of San Luis Obispo. I never knew which way was North.  In desperation, I privately took a peek at a map of the town. Now I knew my problem. The SLO streets run in a Northwest to Southeast and Northeast to Southwest direction. In other words, the drunken padre that laid out the town had his compass off by exactly 45 degrees. Okay, maybe he wasn’t drunk. Maybe he was a man-hater. I am certain he did not have a driver’s license. I still tend to get disoriented in SLO town, so I use Rule Two, “Bring a woman with you.” Fortunately, I am married to one. She never knows which way is north, but she can navigate San Luis Obispo.

If you venture away from the Golden State, be aware of the idiosyncrasies of the other states. Generally speaking, the further west you are, the straighter the compass. For example, Chicago streets tend to be north-south and east west. Manhattan Island in New York City is laid out very well, considering it’s in the East.

Then there is New England. My wife, my daughter Rachel, and myself were visiting Massachusetts. The town roads were confusing, even to my wife. I hate to admit it, but I had to implement Rule Three, “If you and your wife are both lost, ask for directions.” We needed a good city street map.

With our trusty laptop computer and an Internet connection at our motel, we used MapQuest to obtain directions from our motel to the nearest AAA office, which was a mile and a half away. The directions contained thirteen steps. I have been accused of exaggerating, but New Englanders will wonder what my problem is. Thirteen steps to find a location a mile and a half away through a New England town is about right.

We carefully followed the directions and promptly got lost. While trying to guess where we were, we caught sight of the AAA office we were looking for. This brings me to Rule Four, “If dumb luck smiles on you, smile back and pretend you were never really lost.”

I asked two of my wife’s cousins, “Which way is North?” Neither the wife nor the husband could answer my simple question. No one had ever asked them that question before.

Rachel was very impressed with New England. It is one of the reasons she lives in Mesa, Arizona, a town with north-south and east-west streets. That’s my girl.

Utah is a special case. I joke that there are too many Mormons there, but I don’t think that has to do with the roads. When Brigham Young stuck his cane in the ground and said, “This is where we will build our temple,” someone else heard, “This is where we will start our street addresses.” The city fathers of Salt Lake City went beyond that. They conjured a city grid of numbered streets. For example, 100 South, or 300 East, etc. If you tell me a house is located at 750 South 200 East Street, I can go there… most of the time. If I am on 200 East Street, I just need to drive seven and a half blocks south of the temple. I will be south of 700 South but north of 800 South. This works well in Salt Lake County because the suburban cities in Salt Lake County extended the city street grid of Salt Lake City. For example, 10900 South in the city of West Jordan is one hundred and nine blocks south of the Salt Lake Temple. I like this system. My wife hates it.

However, just to the south in Utah County, they have a problem. The townsfolk in the small rural towns used the same system, but set their zero-zero point in the center of their own towns. As long as Orem was a separate city from Provo or Spanish Fork or American Fork or Springdale, this was not a problem. Notice my use of the words “was not a problem.” The Mormons, like all other Americans after World War Two, made lots of babies. Those babies grew up and made their own babies. Today, the rural towns of Salt Lake County are one big city, with numerous address grids. It confuses my wife. If you promise not to tell her, I will confess that it confuses me also.

Regardless of location or religion, if you want to avoid getting lost, there is Rule Five, “Do not, I repeat, do not enter any major college campus.” When you are trying to find your way on campus, you will feel like you are going in circles. I will explain. When the egg heads laid out their cities within a city, they used the wrong kind of compass. They used the drafting tool that makes perfect circles. That is why the streets on any college campus do NOT run straight for any appreciable distance. The most common street name is “College Loop.” 

I like my adopted home town of Grover Beach. Good old D.W. Grover used the correct compass and a straight edge to lay out the town with north to south and east to west streets, except for mine. My street is curvy and at a weird angle. When I’m at home, I don’t know which way is north. It’s a good thing I’m not lost.