Inclusion and Exclusion in the Church
When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee
in?
Matthew 25-38
Our relationships with other people
changed after Evan was born. Since most
of our friendships were within our church, most of what I will say involved
other church members. Some people distanced themselves from us for reasons I do
not understand. The most hurtful incident happened when Evan was about six. We
were friends with another couple in the ward. I worked with the husband in my
church calling and Cindy worked with the wife in her church callings. Their five
year old son was very friendly with Evan. They had been to our house and we had
been to theirs. When they gave their son a birthday party, they invited other
children but excluded Evan. She mentioned this in passing to Cindy and didn’t
feel it was such a big deal. If she had taken a big stick and hit Cindy over
the head, it would not have hurt more. It would have been okay if we had
considered them jerks beforehand. But these were our friends. Good members of
the LDS church. If we were going to drop out of the church due to hurt
feelings, this would have been the first time.
It was a relief to us when they
moved away, but this intentional exclusion poisoned our attitude concerning the
relationship between Evan and his peers. We were always on the lookout for
further slights. I’m not sure we are over it yet.
Other families grew closer to us.
Sam and Lennie-Lee Hodnett were shining examples. One of their twin boys was
born with a heart defect, so they had a strong common bond with us. Tragically,
their son died on the operating table, just shy of his eighth birthday. The
Hodnetts moved to Nipomo, a community south of us, and then to the Sacramento
area. Sam Hodnett served as a Bishop in the ward near our daughter April.
When Evan was older, Jeff and Katie
Stassell, with their son Ryan, moved into our ward. Jeff and Katie had recently
lost their oldest son to cancer. It goes without saying, they empathized with
our situation. Ryan was a little younger than Evan and treated him very well.
One of my biggest blunders involved this young man.
I was a stickler against people
pushing Evan, since I wanted Evan to be strong enough and independent enough to
wheel himself. So when I saw Ryan pushing Evan in his wheelchair, I told him
not to. Ryan felt bad about this and later told his mother. His mother
mentioned this incident to Cindy. Cindy told me about Ryan’s reaction after we
had retired to bed. She could just as easily have said, “I love you. By the
way, you’re a really big jerk.” I called the Stassells the next day and
apologized to the parents and to Ryan.
As these boys grew up, Ryan
continued to friendship Evan. His father also treated Evan very well. Neither
Cindy nor I were surprised when Jeff Stassell was called as the Bishop to the
newly formed Arroyo Grande Second Ward. Ryan grew into a fine young man. I
can’t say enough good things about him.
Of all of the young women in the
ward, the girl who was friendliest to Evan was Tori Burton. She knew how to
talk with Evan, without the wheelchair coming between them. I later met Tori’s
father, a carpenter who was paralyzed in a workplace accident.
I wish my memories of the other
youth were as uplifting. Most children were not able to converse with Evan
because of his mental delays. I witnessed many times when he was completely
ignored by his peers. Perhaps they always thought that if Evan had his father
with him, it was permissible to ignore Evan. Sometimes I was annoyed and other
times I was incensed. The month prior to Evan’s big operation, I was serving as
a counselor in the Bishopric. Our church had a large camp out involving scout
troops from this area of the state. Evan was treated poorly by many of the
boys. I was so sick and tired of it, I almost took Evan home. Cindy talked me
out of it. Years later, Evan and I were at the church building for a Youth
Temple trip. Evan was invisible to the other boys. When everyone was in their
cars and ready to leave, Evan and I were alone. I was so angry and hurt, I did put
Evan in the van and I did intend to just go home. One woman, Geri Murphy, saw
what was happening and intervened.
Yes, Cindy and I complained the
entire time Evan was in the Young Men’s group at our church, from age twelve to
nineteen. Most of the bishops, counselors, Scout Masters and Young Men
presidents did NOT believe there was a problem. I could handle this better if I
considered these men to be jerks, but they were, and still are, hard working
members of the church. I am an active member of the church in spite of these
experiences.
Evan did go to other Scout Camps
and they were mostly positive experiences. Most of the other boy scouts at these
Boy Scout camps are from troops that are not LDS troops. In those troops, if a
boy is behaving like a brat, they are dis-invited to attend. One year, Evan
worked very hard to earn his merit badge for Archery. When he did get enough
points on the range to earn the badge, entire troops of boy scouts cheered for
him.
Jeremy Gardner was the best youth
leader for Evan. Jeremy was actively engaged in getting Evan involved in any
way he could. He even took Evan out on an ocean kayak during a scout outing.
Today, Jeremy Gardner is serving as a counselor in the Arroyo Grande Second
Ward. He and his wife are also raising a wonderful family.
When Evan grew out of the Young
Men’s program, he was ordained as an Elder in the Melchizedek Priesthood. From
that time forward, Evan meets with the Elders’ Quorum. Todd Woodland knows how
to talk with Evan and he successfully reached out to him. Billy Fairbanks has
also reached out to Evan. Today, Billy promised us he would make sure Evan is
more involved in the Elder’s Quorum. I can’t thank these two brethren enough.
So what is the big lesson here? I’m
not sure. The best people in Evan’s church experience are those who actively
reached out to him. Evan is very quiet and easy to ignore. In a world where the
squeaky wheel gets the attention, he is often overlooked.
For his part, Evan has remained
cheerful at all times. He’s a much better man than I.
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