Friday, June 21, 2013

Guardian Angel Protection Services



Guardian Angel Protection Services
The woman in the mall was distracted by her crying child. While Miguel acted as a lookout, Pedro snatched the purse. They rushed around a corner and into a public restroom. Within the privacy of a stall, they rifled though the victim’s purse, removed her credit cards, fifty dollars cash and a set of keys. They flushed the toilet, nonchalantly walked out of the restroom, passed the woman with the screaming child and strolled out to the parking lot.
Pedro said, “Hey, look at this key chain.” The ring held car keys, house keys, and a figure of a golden angel holding a flaming sword and brass shield. The words “Protected by Guardian Angel” were embossed on the shield. The backside of the angel was labeled “Guardian Angel Protection Service.”
Miguel said, “I never heard of any Guardian Angel Protection Service.  The woman must be some kind of religious nut.”
“Yea, I bet we could find her car real easy. It’s a Chevy with a cross hanging from the rearview mirror.”
They were astounded by their next stroke of good luck. The driver’s side window of the red Malibu had a decal to match the “Guardian Angel” key ring. Within seconds, Pedro was in the driver’s seat, with the key in the ignition.
A female robotic voice said, “Please say a command.”
Pedro asked, “What’s this?”
“Oh, I understand you are a first time user of the Guardian Angel Protection Services. Welcome. For Spanish, say ‘Espanol,’ for French, say ‘Francois,’ for Pig Latin, say, ‘Igpay Atinlay.”
Pedro said, “English.”
Miguel shouted, “I see a mall security guard. We need get out of here!” The car doors unlocked and the doors opened.
“You may now exit the vehicle.” The car thieves slammed the doors closed.
Miguel said “Start this…”
“Please fasten your seat belts. Guardian Angel will not start the car until the driver and passenger seat-belts are securely fastened.”
Pedro said, “Seat-belts are for sissies.”
Miguel said, “Stop arguing, idiot. We need to get going.” When the cousins fastened their seat-belts, the car engine started.
Pedro said, “Man, this is weird.” Pedro pulled on the transmission lever, and then yanked. The transmission remained in Park. “Now what?”
“Please state your destination. For example, ‘Home’ or ‘grocery store.’ Go ahead, try it.”
Pedro said, “Tony’s Chop Shop.” Pedro was anxious to be rid of this weird machine. Let the auto dismantler deal with it.
“I have searched your local area for Tony’s Chop Shop and found no exact matches. Do you mean Tony’s Butcher Shop, Anthony’s American Chopper Motorcycle Sales, or Tony’s Ax Sharpening Services?”
Miguel said, “He means Tony’s Auto Wrecking Yard.”
“I have located Tony’s Auto Wrecking Yard on 25500 Coloma Road. Is this correct? Please say yes or no.”
“Yes” they both said.
“Directions to Tony’s Auto Wrecking Yard have been downloaded to your vehicle. Your destination is ten point five miles and fifteen minutes away. You may now proceed.”
As Pedro was backing out, he said, “It’s about time.”
“The time is eleven fifty-five AM, Pacific Daylight Time.” Ignoring the annoying robotic voice, Pedro entered the freeway onramp and floored the gas pedal.  The Malibu smoothly accelerated to sixty-five miles per hour.
“The posted speed limit is sixty-five miles per hour. Guardian Angel will not allow this speed to be exceeded.”
Miguel said, “This is nuts. I need a cigarette.” When he lit the cigarette, all four windows opened, allowing hot summer air to rush through the vehicle.
“Second hand smoke is dangerous to other passengers. The windows will close when the cigarette is extinguished.”
The thieves cursed and yelled and banged on the dashboard.
“Guardian Angel has detected anger in the driver. To prevent a road rage incident, the Automatic Driving Program has been activated. You are no longer in control. The ADS will remain activated until you have reached your destination or your anger has subsided.”
Pedro swung the steering wheel back and forth, and pressed on the brakes and the gas, all with zero affect. The Malibu continued on the freeway until it reached the Coloma Road exit. It slowed to a stop and turned right onto Coloma Road.
“Your destination is approaching on the right. The police are awaiting your arrival. Your seat-belts will be disengaged when the vehicle has come to a complete stop and your hands are on the dashboard. Please have a nice day and thank you for using Guardian Angels Protection Services.”

Monday, June 3, 2013

Cassandra's Curse, Long Version



Cassandra’s Curse
Cassie Rechvik smiled as her friends and family sang Happy Birthday. Her best friends, Debbie and Margot, had joined her parents and Grandma Sandy to celebrate her seventeenth birthday.
Her first present, from Grandma Sandy, was a small box wrapped in ruby red foil. Her gift was a small, hot pink, cylinder.
Debbie asked, “What is it?”
Cassie said, “It’s a can of pepper spray.”
Grandma Sandy said, “I hope you never use it, but if you ever need it, you got it.”
“Thanks, Grandma,” Cassie said politely. She was a bit disappointed, but not surprised. As long as she could remember, her Grandmother was always trying to protect her.
Her second birthday present was just a little smaller and in green paper. Expecting a new watch, she was surprised to find a heart shaped key ring, with a set of car keys attached. When she realized her parents were giving her the car, she jumped for joy.
Her father said, “The Ford is yours to drive, as long as you keep to the deal. No drinking and driving.”
“Thanks Dad,” she said while giving him a big hug. “I promise.”
Cassie placed the pepper spray and keys into her purse. She then noticed another unopened envelope on the dining room table.
“Another card?” she wondered aloud. The envelope was postmarked “Cassandra Romanov, Sunny Meadows Retirement Home.” Granny Cass, as she was called, was Grandma Sandy’s grandmother. The remarkable woman was a hundred and seven years old. Cassie only visited her once, ten years ago, and found her namesake in the grips of Alzheimer’s.
“Wow. It’s from Granny Cass,” she said as she opened the envelope.
Her mother said, “What? You can’t be serious.”
Grandma Sandy said, “Don’t open that envelope. Throw it away, now!”
“Why? It’s just a card from Granny,” Cassie said, “She wrote me a note. ‘My Dear Cassandra, Please come visit me tomorrow afternoon. Love, Granny Cass.”
Grandma Sandy shouted, “Don’t go near that demented old hag! Burn that card and forget about it. She’s going to die any day now anyhow.”
Everyone stared at Grandma Sandy in disbelief. She had always treated the old woman with reverence. Something was scaring her half to death.
“Uh, OK, Grandma, if you insist.”
“Yes, I insist. Trust me. It’s for your own good.”

After school, Cassie drove Margot and Debbie to Debbie’s big yellow house.
Debbie asked, “Are you coming in?”
“No, I’m going over to the retirement home.”
Margot said, “But you told your Grandmother you wouldn’t go.”
“Yeah, I know, but I feel compelled to go. Grandma went home this morning. She’ll never know. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
She hesitated at the door to Sunny Meadows Retirement Home. Young Cassie had no idea why her namesake summoned her here, or why her own grandmother was so upset. Finally, she took a deep breath and walked in. A nurse escorted Cassie down the hall to a private room and closed the door behind her.  To the girl’s surprise, the ancient woman stood up with a walker and inspected her from head to foot.
 “Good afternoon, Cassandra. Thank you for coming.” Cassie was further impressed by the old woman’s alertness.
“Good afternoon, Grandma.”
 The old woman said, “That would be great-great-grandma. Do you wonder why I called you here?”
Young Cassie said, “To tell to you the truth, yes. Every other time I’ve been here, you never knew who I was.”
“Oh, I’ve known you ever since you were born. You are Cassandra, my youngest living female relative. You are the latest in a long line of Cassandras. My grandmother was a Cassandra. Your grandmother is a Cassandra.”
“She is? I thought her name was Sandy.”
“Her given name is Cassandra, and your granddaughter shall have the same name.”
“I do like the name, but…”
“There’s something I need to give you before I die. It’s over there.” She pointed a withered finger towards an ancient oaken chest. Cassie opened the chest, found a smaller wooden box and placed it on the bedside table. This box was framed in ivory and adorned with gold leaf. Lettering was etched into the wood, in a language Cassie didn’t recognize.
The old woman said, “Open it.” Granny Cass sat down on her bed as Cassie removed the lid. The box was lined with deep blue velvet and contained a crystal ball mounted on a silver base. The younger woman inspected her gift with admiration.
“Wow,” Cassie said, “This is really cool. Thank you.”
“This seer stone has been in our family for a hundred generations. Forgive me for passing it on to you, but I must.”
“Why should I have to forgive you?”
“Because there is a curse…” the old woman started to say, but she gasped, stared straight ahead and clutched her chest. She collapsed back on to the bed and died.

The small church was filled by Granny Cass’s descendants. Young Cassie could not help but notice she was the youngest female at the funeral. For some unknown reason, this made her uncomfortable. Her dread increased when Grandma Sandy approached her.
“Tell me you stayed away.”
“I went over to my friend’s house after school.” It was a lie, but technically, it was the truth. Besides, Cassie told herself, it was none of her grandmother’s business.
“For your sake, I hope you’re telling me the truth.”

A week later, Cassie showed her best friends the silver and glass gift from Granny Cass.
Margot asked, “You don’t really believe it has a curse, do you?”
Cassie said, “Of course not. But you have to admit, it looks really cool sitting on my bedroom table.”
Debbie said, “Hey, Cassie, tell me my fortune.” The girls giggled while Cassie gazed into her new toy.
Flames erupted inside the ball. Cassie stared closer, eyes wide in horror. She screamed.
“I see a yellow house on fire. Debbie, it’s your house. I see your house on fire.”
Debbie laughed and said, “Hey, you’re pretty good. You act like you really see something.”
Cassie said, “I’m serious, your house is going to burn down, tonight.”
“Yeah, right, and I have homework to do. See you tomorrow.” When her friends left, Cassie looked at the ball again. The yellow house was engulfed in flames.

The morning newspaper headline read, “Three Dead in House Fire.”  Cassie shrieked as she read about Debbie and her parents. Her mother rushed to the dining room and gasped as she read the horrible news.
Cassie said, “Debbie’s dead. It’s my fault.”
“Oh, no, dear, it wasn’t anybody’s fault. Bad things happen, even to good people.”
 Cassie refused to be consoled. She ran upstairs to her room, stuffed the crystal ball into the box and shoved it to the back of her top closet shelf.

Margot dropped in for dinner three weeks later. Both girls were still grieving for Debbie, but her friend was nervous about another matter.
Margot said, “I met this new college boy in town. He’s invited me to a fraternity party tonight. Before I go, I have a favor to ask.”
Cassie said, “What’s that?”
“I’m not sure about him. He seems nice enough, but I want you to look into your crystal ball.”
“No way!” Cassie shouted. “Debbie died after I looked at that creepy thing.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“I don’t ever want to look at it again.”
“Cassie, you have a gift. Debbie would still be alive if she believed you. Please look into the ball. I’ll believe anything you say. I promise.” Against her better judgment, Cassie retrieved the crystal ball and placed it on her table. Her eyes were drawn to the mysterious orb to view images only she could see. She was not enjoying her clairvoyance.
“I see a nice looking boy, with brown eyes, long brown hair, a nice tan, wearing a Chi Beta Kappa jersey.”
Margot said, “That’s Jerry.”
Cassie uttered, “Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.”
Margot asked, “What does that mean?”
“I don’t know why I said that,” Cassie replied, even more baffled than her friend. “I see you and him and many other people. Everyone is drinking beer and laughing and joking. Wait, Jerry is sneaking something in an empty glass. Now he’s poring beer in the glass. He’s handing it to you and you’re drinking it. You put the glass down. It’s still a quarter full. You have a blank look on your face.  He’s leading you out of the room, to a back bedroom…”
Margot suddenly snapped, “Get out of here! You’re lying. Jerry would never do a thing like that. You sound just like my mother. You never like any of my boyfriends!” Margot stormed out of the room.
Cassie stared at the ball, trembling at the nightmare enfolding before her eyes. She saw her best friend wasn’t going to survive the night. Why didn’t Margot believe her? Why was she angry at hearing the truth? Where is that monster taking Margot? Cassie ran downstairs to the living room.
“Mom, Dad, I need your help. Margot’s in danger.”
Her mother said, “Calm down dear, Margot is a big girl, she can take care of herself.”
“No, you don’t understand, her boyfriend is going to drug her and…”
“Cassie,” her father said, “You’ve been under a lot of stress since the fire. You’re paranoid. I’ve met her boyfriend and he’s a fine man. You have no need to worry.”
“But they’re going to a frat party, with lots of drinking…” Her parents just chuckled.
“Mom, Dad, don’t you care?”
“Now dear,” her mother said, “Let her have her fun.”
Her father said, “You’re seventeen. Why don’t you join them?”
“What! Have you flipped?”
Cassie rushed back to her room. The globe showed her a large brick house, with ivy clinging to the sides. She had no idea where it was, except the frat houses were on the other side of town. She packed her pepper spray into her purse, grabbed her car keys and rushed into the night.
It was past ten when she found the party. Drunken revelers were carousing on the lamp lighted streets and throughout the frat house. She parked her car two blocks away and ran back to the party. She called 911 from outside the house.
A female voice said, “911, what is your emergency?”
“There’s a large noisy party at 10340 Gate St. Lot’s of underage drinking. My friend is in there and she’s going to get hurt.”
The 911 dispatcher said, “I don’t believe you,” and hung up.
Cassie was astounded. Why doesn’t anyone believe me? Why did I say “Beware of Greeks bearing gifts?”Where did I hear that from? The revelation hit her like a bolt of lightning. There was another Cassandra, a long time ago, during the Trojan War. Her ancient namesake could prophesy, but no one ever believed her. Cassie had Cassandra’s Curse.
Cassie, clinging to her phone, ran through the house and searched desperately for her friend among the partiers. She saw the quarter full beer mug and then spied a bedroom door closing, the door in the vision. She rushed into the room to witness Jerry throwing Margot onto a bed. She immediately punched her cell phone to redial 911.
Cassie said, “You leave her alone. I’ve called the police and they’re coming.”
Jerry growled, “I don’t believe you,” and lunged for her throat. Cassie shot a blast of pepper spray towards his face and kicked him in the groin, twice. He blindly lashed out, landing a blow to Cassie’s cheek, knocking her to the floor.
A male voice asked, “Ma’am, are you hurt?”
Hoping that no one would believe her, she said, “Sorry, my mistake. There really is no problem at 10340 Gate St.”
The 911 dispatcher barked, “That’s a lie. I hear the struggle. The riot squad’s on the way!”  Jerry stood over Cassie, rubbing his eyes and glaring in anger, until police sirens pierced the air. The drunken thug cursed and bolted through the door.
Cassie placed a blanket over Margot and nonchalantly left the party. Somehow, she knew Margot will be okay until the police find her, passed out with a date rape drug. They will declare the entire frat house a crime scene. Determined detectives will find Margot’s, and her assailant’s, fingerprints on the quarter full beer glass. The judge and jury will not be amused. Cassie will have nothing to say to the police. After all, they won’t believe anything she says.
If only it was that simple. For one thing, she did not notice that the quarter full beer glass was gone.

Cassie was awakened the next morning by her frantic mother.
“Cassie, get up. A policeman is here. He wants to talk to you about last night.”
“Oh, no, tell him to go away.”
“I can’t tell him that. What happened last night? You have a bruise on your cheek.”
“I’ll explain later, Mom.”
While getting dressed, she wondered what exactly she was going to say. At all costs, she can not mention the crystal ball. The police will think she is crazy. She was still pondering her response as she descended the stairway. A uniformed police officer arose.
“Good morning, young lady, I’m Lieutenant Hahn.  I need to talk to you about your 911 calls last night and your struggle with the suspect.”
“Good morning sir,” she said nervously, “I’m Cassandra Rechvik.”
“Relax Miss. You’re not in any trouble. By the way, your friend will be fine. But I need to ask you some questions.” Cassie nodded her head.
Lieutenant Hahn continued, “First of all, I want to apologize for the 911 dispatcher who hung up on you last night. She might be fired for that gross violation of policies.” A pang of guilt swept through every fiber of Cassie’s body.
“Please, don’t let her be fired. She didn’t know.” Cassie immediately regretted saying that, fearing he would ask “didn’t know what?”
He said, “She had specific policies to follow. It doesn’t matter what she knew or didn’t know.”
“Okay, let’s take it from the top. Did your friend, Margot Fontaine, tell you she was attending a frat party?”
“Yes, she said she was going on a date with a college student she had just met.”
“Did she say who he was?”
“She said her name is Jerry. I never met him before.”
“So you felt that your friend was putting herself in danger?”
“Yes, sir, I did.”
“Good for you.” Lieutenant Hahn placed twelve mug shots on the table in front of Cassie. She recognized one and only one.
“Is one of these men the man you confronted in the bedroom?”
“Yes,” she said, pointing to the seventh picture.
“This is Gerald Jones. We’ll get a warrant for his arrest.” He retrieved the photos from the table and said, “You are a true friend. Miss Fontaine would certainly have been raped if not for your protective attitude.”
“Is that all?” Cassie asked. Please, please, don’t ask me anything else.
“That will be all for now. However, the suspect’s lawyer will also need to talk to you. It’s called Discovery and its part of the process. Just tell him what you told me. Have a good day.” With that, the police lieutenant walked out the front door. 
Cassie crumpled to the floor, pale and shaking uncontrollably, with tears streaming down her bruised cheek. Her mother rushed to her side.
“Cassie, are you all right?” She shook her head. “What’s going on? We do not keep secrets in this house.”
“Mom, you won’t believe me.”
“Tell me anyway. I’m your mother.” Her mother listened dumbfounded as Cassie told her everything, from her visit to Granny Cass to the events of the previous night.
“Cassie, I want to believe you, but I can’t. But I believe that you believe it.”
“Thank you, mom.” Her mother gave her a badly needed hug.

Margot was not at school the following Monday, which was okay.  Cassie was afraid of meeting her again. Would she be angry? Would she be sorry? Would she even remember? She was struggling to pay attention to her fourth period Spanish class when a school secretary entered the classroom. She handed the teacher a note. He looked at the note and handed it to Cassie. It was a summons to a lawyer’s office. She was to leave school immediately and proceed to the offices of Kimball and Burke. Fifteen minutes later, she was sitting in an uncomfortable chair in front of a large desk. A tall, gray haired man sat in a plush chair behind the desk.
“I’ll get right to the point, young lady. I’m John Kimball and I’m representing Gerald Jones. He is being charged with attempted rape and you are his primary accuser. I will ask you questions and you must answer truthfully. Otherwise, you could be charged with perjury. Do you understand?”
Cassie gulped, and nodded her head. I will lie anyway. I will not tell you about my crystal ball.
“Why did you crash the party last Friday night?
“I was trying to protect my friend.”
“Miss Margot Fontaine?”
“Yes sir.”
“Did you see my client place an unknown substance into a drink and offer it to Miss Fontaine?”
Cassie hesitated. If she said no, the crook will be off the hook. If she said yes, she would be lying. Or would she? Cassie was torn down the middle.
The lawyer said, “Answer my question. I don’t have all day.”
“No…YES!” Cassie heard herself shout. “I saw everything. I saw him drug that beer and give it to Margot. I saw him drag her to the back bedroom.”
“Impossible. I have witnesses that say you didn’t barge into the party until after my client was assisting your friend to a safe place. How could you have seen this?”
“He was going to rape her and then invite his drunken buddies to do the same.” Control yourself.
“How could you possibly know that?”
Cassie heard her voice say, “I saw it in my crystal ball.” She was horrified.
“Crystal ball?” the lawyer exclaimed.  “Girl, you’re crazy. Wait till the DA hears this cockamamie story. Do you have anything else to say?” Cassie shook her head. “Then that’s all I need. Go away.”
Cassie trembled all the way home. Why did I tell him about the crystal ball? Why? My life is over. She desperately sought refuge in her house. However, Grandma Sandy was there. She was the last person Cassie wanted to see.
“Young lady,” she said, “We need to talk. Your mother told me everything.”
“I’m sorry, Grandma, I had to go to her. Please believe me.”
“So you have the ball?”
“Yes. You can have it. I don’t want it.”
“If I could take it from you, I would. But I can’t. When I was ten years old, my grandmother was very sick. She thought she was going to die. She told me all about the long line of Cassandra’s and the curse on the crystal ball. I didn’t want to believe her, but I just knew it was true.  Now tell me, what exactly did my grandmother tell you before she died?”
“Not much. Just that she was sorry to give it to me. I thought it looked cool. Then she tried to tell me there was a curse involved. That was the moment she died.”
“So now you know it’s real. But you have no idea how powerful that thing is.”
“Nobody believes me when I tell them what I see.”
“Yes, that’s part of the curse.”
“I also can’t lie about it. I just confessed to a lawyer that I saw everything in the crystal ball.”
“Ouch,” her grandmother said. “He’ll get the charges dropped.”
Cassie asked, “Is there anything else I need to know?”
“You may have noticed, it only predicts bad things.”
“Grandma, what do I do now?”
“I don’t know. But I have something in my trunk that might help.”
“Really, what is it?”
“I don’t know. It’s a wooden chest that I have never opened. But I do have the key.” She held up an ancient key. As the two Cassandras maneuvered the chest from Grandma Sandy’s car to the dining room table, the older woman explained that Granny Cass had given her this, to be opened after her death. The box was identical to the old oaken chest at the retirement home. Inside, there was another ivory and wooden box and several old books. The old books were written in the same unknown language. The smaller box was nearly identical to the one that housed the crystal ball. Sure enough, it contained another crystal ball. At first glance, it was identical to the first. Cassie compared the two objects and noticed that the base of first orb was decorated with stars. The second orb was adorned with crescent moons.
Cassie stared at the second ball. She saw nothing. It was a beautiful sight.
“Grandma, I get it now. This one is a fake. If a friend asks me to tell them their fortune, I look at this one. I can make up stuff. Nothing bad will happen.”
Grandma Sandy said, “Of course, I remember now, Granny let me play with this when I was a little girl.”
Cassie felt as if a large weight had been lifted from her shoulders. However, her relief was premature.

Tuesday night Cassie answered a knock on her door. Margot stood on the front porch, looking very grim. Gerald Jones was standing to the side of her, his face contorted by an angry sneer.
Margot said, “I didn’t want to bring this creep here. He forced me. You better listen to what he says.” With that, Margot and Gerald entered the house.
Cassie said, “Okay, jerk, what do you want?”
“Tsk, tsk, tsk. How rude,” he said. “Now listen up. My lawyer told me about your crystal ball. Here’s the deal. Either I press charges against you for assault and battery, and tell the world about your crystal ball, or…” He paused to let his message sink in.
“Or what?” Cassie stammered. 
“Or you use that crystal ball of yours to tell me the winning lottery numbers. If I win the lottery, I drop all charges.”
Margot asked, “Do you mean to tell us you believe in the ball?”
“Yeah, I know it’s unbelievable. But my buddies and I really were going to gang rape you. Now, do I get the winning lottery numbers or do I go back to the police?”
Cassie said, “I’ll be right back.” She returned with the crystal ball, the one decorated with stars, and placed it on the dining room table. She stared at the visions within the glass.
“The winning numbers for the lottery will be 1, 17, 23, 32, 49 and 55. You will win the jackpot of two hundred million dollars. Do you believe me?”
“I’ll take your word for it. The drawing is tomorrow. If I lose, you go to jail.”
“There’s more. You will celebrate by going skydiving. There will be an accident.”
“Hah! Don’t try to scare me. I know how to skydive. See you later, suckers.”
END

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Service Call



For Service, Call…

The problem started when I pressed the remote control button to open my garage door. Instead of a steady hum, I heard a loud grinding noise. I hoped that the door opener wasn’t broken.
It was. Because it is a man thing to do, I had to investigate. The electric motor hummed like it was trying to do something useful, but the drive chain remained idle. I removed the metal cover to further investigate the problem.
It didn’t take a mechanical genius to determine the little machine self-destructed. The plastic gears that connect the motor to the drive sprocket were totally stripped, leaving white powder inside the cover.
I considered my options. I could either replace the opener myself or I could call a repairman. I had installed a garage door opener once and almost did it correctly. I was confident I could install a brand new opener in the place of the old one. However, even I had to admit that I lacked the tools and knowledge to repair the thing. That is when I noticed the label on the metal cover, “For service, call 1-800 555-5555.” Given the two options, I chose the wrong one. I called the number to obtain service from a major department store chain.
I had to listen to a recording while waiting to talk to a real person. The recording said I could schedule a repair by going on-line.
I know, this is the twenty-first century, but I wanted to discuss the repair with an actual human. If it could not be repaired, I would just replace the contraption myself. Finally, I was able to talk to a real person.
I guessed from her accent that she was Filipino. Even though she spoke English better than I speak Tagolog, it was a difficult conversation. I became convinced that she had no idea what a garage door opener was.
I know, this is the twenty-first century, but I wanted to discuss the repair with an actual human who knew something about the product. She eventually transferred me to another number.
Again, I had the dubious pleasure to listen to the same recording, reminding me that I could go on-line to schedule a repair. The second woman also spoke English with a Filipino accent. I don’t have anything against the Philippines or anyone who lives there. They are hard working people. But I needed my garage door opener fixed and I really wanted to talk to a knowledgeable person. She asked if I needed to have it repaired or replaced.
“I don’t know if it can be repaired. If you send a repairman to my house, perhaps he can tell me.” I was running out of patience.
She replied, “The charge for a service call is $230. If you want a repairman, call this number.” She recited the other “1-800” number and then hung up.
My wife soon noticed I was foaming at the mouth with fury.
She asked, “What’s wrong?” So I calmly ranted and raved about 1-800 numbers, off shore service representatives, and major department stores.
“Why don’t you call the people who installed the garage door? Their number is on the door.”  My relatively new garage door was installed by a local small business. Sure enough, there was a label on the inside of the door, providing a local telephone number.
As soon as I punched in the numbers on my cell phone, I was speaking with a woman in my home town. When I told her the problem with the door opener, she assured me the gears could be replaced for $155. She apologized for her inability to send a repairman that very afternoon.  But she did promise to send him the next day, between 4 and 5 pm.
The repairman arrived the next day at 5 pm and completed the repairs within half an hour. As an additional bonus, he replaced a missing spring on the door opener unlatch mechanism. I thanked him for his excellent service and told him about my phone calls the previous day.
His parting words were, “It’s all fixed now. If you have any problems, listen to your wife.”